Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
