forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
