she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
