when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Thank you for not boning my boss.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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