I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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