How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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