My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize