booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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