I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
