I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize