wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
