you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
