i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
