woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
