My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
