He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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