Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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