Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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