i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
