She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
not ubering you a puppy
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
