I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
