did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Your penis caused this!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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