Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
