Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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