i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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