I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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