checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
