The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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