I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
