im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
