That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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