my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize