The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize