I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
