I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize