If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize