Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
