Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
