just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
