Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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