The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
