I just saw a hot homeless man
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
