Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
