Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
