party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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