After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
