You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
