8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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