Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize