Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
