woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
