You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
