So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
