moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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