so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize