census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
