i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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