took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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