I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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