the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize