i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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