It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
